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***DATING QUESTION FROM A READER***
I am at the end of long long divorce settlement -(18 months) I started dating about six monthsafter our split -- meeting most on the internet-Found I was naturally using some cocky and funnybut accelerated when I started getting yournewsletter.
Meeting them and lining them up has been noproblem-but once we are intimate --they wantexclusivity--I can't know what I want yet (exceptsex)--but don't want some of the good ones to getaway--I keep hearing "you want your cake and eatit too!!"
Also---had one I was dating recently--wanted toknow about anybody and everyone else I was seeing---said the openness was good for a relationship.
I disagreed??
rb--michigan
>>>MY COMMENTS:
I'm glad you wrote in because I think that thisis a topic that is near and dear to a lot ofsingle men.
And, even though I have not been marriedmyself, I know what it's like to be in arelationship for a couple of years and then all ofa sudden be single again... and I know what it'slike to start over again.
You have brought up some great points here, solet's see if I can add some insight.
First, I think that it's pretty natural for aguy who has just ended a long term relationship tofeel rather "naked" when it comes to women anddating.
Often times, there are problems and drama whentwo people break up, and sometimes you even havejealousy and other issues to deal with.
So, one of the most important things to do whenyou're "getting back into the swing of things" isto remember that things will improve with time.
It might take you a few weeks or months afteryou start dating again to feel like "you're back".
You might even feel a little needy and lonely,which I also think is natural after breaking upwith someone to whom you were very close.
A critical mistake to avoid is TURNING INTO ANEEDY WUSS AND TRYING TO WIN YOUR EX BACK... ORTURNING INTO A NEEDY WUSS AND TRYING TO WIN ANYWOMAN.
Now, it doesn't sound to me like this is yourproblem but, I think that something like thismight be part of one of your problems.
Huh?
Whatever... I'll just keep talking and you'llfigure out what I'm saying.
You probably had been in your relationship forat least a few YEARS. When you're in arelationship for this long, I think that guysnaturally start behaving differently than theywould if they were just dating a woman.
It's natural and expected that you're going tosee your spouse every day, sleep with her everynight (I said sleep with, not have sex with... Iknow, I know)... and generally be "around" all thetime.
Well, when you start DATING a woman, one of theKEY factors that she looks at to decide whether ornot you're going to be "relationship" material isHOW MUCH TIME YOU SPEND TOGETHER.
I'm going to bet that these women you'remeeting who want to be "exclusive" with you, areresponding that way because you're spending A LOTof time with them.
If you're only interested in dating and not informing a relationship, then try this:
ONLY SEE HER ONCE A WEEK... TWICE AT THE MOST.
And only call her once or twice a week as well.
This should solve your "I want to be exclusive"problem.
Women tend to get into "relationship mode" whenyou start ACTING like you're already in one.
And a big part of that is how often you seeher.
If you only see her once a week or so, a womanwill sense, on a deep level, that you're not readyto "settle down" with her, and that you're busydoing other things and PROBABLY dating otherwomen.
Next, you mentioned that you were dating awoman and she wanted to know about every otherwoman you were seeing, and that "the opennesswould be good for the relationship".
AHHH, THE "R" WORD AGAIN!
I wasn't there when she said it, so I can't besure, but my guess is that what she meant was "Theopenness would be good for ME because I want toknow", and NOT that it would be good for the"relationship".
This is subtle, but see if you can follow me.
You said that you disagreed (with a questionmark, which to me means that you'd like to knowwhether or not I agree with you disagreeing).
I'd like to know HOW you disagreed, personally.
A lot of guys come across as weak when theydisagree because they just sound eitherargumentative or insecure - or even worse, likethey're trying to hide something.
If a woman said to me, "Tell me about all theother women you're seeing. I think it would begood for the relationship" I'd probably say:
"Whose relationship are you talking about?"
...and then I'd laugh.
Or I might say, "I don't kiss and tell" thensmile at her.
In any case, I would NOT communicate in a waythat says "I'm uncomfortable" or "I'm going togive you what you want so you like me".
You have to remember that a woman is going totest your limits at ALL TIMES. And it never ends.
If you kiss up to a woman and give her whatshe's asking in the moment, she probably won'trespect you in the LONG TERM because she knowsthat she can get whatever she wants from you.
So, if you answer a question like this byeither:
1) Telling her what she wants to know, even thoughyou don't WANT to tell her...
...or...
2) Telling her that you disagree in a way thatmakes her think that you're trying to hidesomething...
...then she's going to feel like she "hassomething on you" and that she can get her waywith you in the future.
Or she might just up and leave because shefeels like you're seeing other women AND trying tohide it.
I know, isn't it all so complex?
My personal perspective on this topic is that aman and woman should typically wait at LEAST a fewmonths before getting into any kind of"relationship".
And if I'm dating a woman and she asks me ifI'd like to get into a relationship, and if I'mseeing other women, I'll answer something likethis:
"First of all, I don't think it's a good ideafor a man and woman to have a RELATIONSHIPrelationship until after they've known each otherfor AT LEAST 3-6 months. One of the reasons why alot of relationships end so BADLY is because thetwo people didn't take the time to get to knoweach other first. Also, I think it's a bad idea totalk about other people that you're seeing duringthat time because almost nothing good can come ofit" - and I leave it at that.
As you can probably tell, I really believethis.
Again, it's crucial that you don't answer aquestion like this in a way that is defensive orargumentative.
If you do, you'll risk being rejected for beingsneaky or dishonest.
To sum up, it sounds to me like you're probablyused to being in a close relationship, and you'reACTING like you're in a relationship with thesewomen that you're just dating. When you do this, awoman will start to feel those "relationship"emotions and start asking questions and behavinglike she's your girlfriend.
If you lean back a little, if you don't see awoman more than once or twice a week, and if youstop behaving in a way that says "we're in arelationship now", then the women will get it.They'll pick up on your body language andcommunication and stop acting like girlfriends orwives.
...and if you've just come out of arelationship and you need to "get your game back",then I HIGHLY recommend that you check out myonline eBook and my Advanced Dating Techniquesseries.
There's no better or faster way to get your acttogether and start getting dates with the kinds ofwomen you'd like to date.
Often, the end of a relationship is a "secondchance" to date women who are more compatible withyou or who are more physically attractive.
I've found that men who have been inrelationships for several years, often findAMAZING insights when they review my materialsbecause they can RELATE to everything so well.It's a lot easier to see where you've mademistakes in the past, and it's a lot easier to seewhat you need to do with other women in order tobe successful.
My very best product is my Advanced DatingCD/DVD Program. It's jam packed with over 12 fullhours of me teaching live, including a companionworkbook. You will learn literally HUNDREDS ofgreat ideas for meeting, dating and gettingphysical with women.
You can go and watch my great new set of videopreview clips and get all the details here:
http://www.DatingTechniques.com/AdvancedSeries
And if you haven't read my eBook "Double YourDating", then you need to do that NOW. It's myoriginal manual for success with women and dating,and it's the place to get started if you want totake your success with women to the next level.You can download it at:
http://www.DatingTechniques.com/eBook
I'll talk to you again soon!
Your Friend,
David D.
P.S. Don't forget to take a minute and look at allof the other programs I've created to help youlearn every aspect of meeting women - fromovercoming fear to approaching women - andeverything else. You can see them all right here,plus watch fantastic free video clips as well:
http://www.DatingTechniques.com/Catalog --------------------------------------------------
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