What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex
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Ever wish you could have some "girl talk" with your gynecologist?
Here's your chance...
In her ob-gyn practice, Dr. Hilda Hutcherson has seen women of all ages who have questions about sex. Now, in this down-to-earth book, she answers those questions and more as she addresses every sexual matter that has an impact on the lives of women.
Combining up-to-date medical science with good old-fashioned girl talk, Dr. Hutcherson discusses sex in a lively tone that's as educational as it is engaging. With facts on female (and male) anatomy, aphrodisiacs, fantasy, orgasm, birth control, and more, she shows how to overcome sexual problems-and achieve sensational sensual experiences. Your mother may not have known what to tell you about sex, but Dr. Hutcherson will give you a real, honest education on sex and sexuality. And with a special chapter on talking to your daughter, you can pass your wisdom on to the next generation.
It was billed as the greatest day of my life by the man who was to be my husband. The room was toasty warm and filled with the sweet fragrance of roses. Soft music played. I'd planned for months for this moment. My "woman-of-the-world" roommate had taught me about birth control pills. I'd survived my very first visit to the university gynecologist. I was desperately in love and ready to give this perfect man the gift of my virginity.
He touched me slowly and gently. Softly. Lovingly. And as his hand brushed my breasts, my mother's "bad-girl" face appeared out of nowhere. "Good girls don't."..."Sex is only to please your husband."..."Don't let boys touch you."..."Keep your skirt down and your panties up." His hands touched my essence. Warm breath and moist kisses covered me. And as he neared my intact hymen, my preacher's "Thou-shalt-not" face materialized. "Fire and brimstone"..."Hell and damnation"..."Sin, sin, sin."
I dared not move. I dared not breathe. And just as Grandma's "Boys-are-no-good" face appeared, it was over.
"Are you all right?" He cradled me in his sweaty arms.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
I stared at the ceiling as silent tears scorched my face. Years would pass before I was confident enough to give myself permission to be a "bad girl" and celebrate the power of my sexuality.
The foundation of our sexuality and how we feel about sex is laid during childhood. Verbal and nonverbal messages from our parents, religious teachings, our culture and society all meld together to shape the sexual being that we are as adults. Traditionally it has been the job of the mother to teach daughters about sex; however, few women feel comfortable talking in detail about it. Don't blame Mom though, as it is unlikely that her mother was able to give her the complete story about sex. After all, mothers are a product of their environment. And many stories, myths, misconceptions, or complete silence have been passed down from generation to generation.
Most women assume that when it comes to the technique of lovemaking, their men will teach them all they need to know. What happens if your partner is a woman? What if your man doesn't have a clue? And who is teaching the men? Many boys learn about sex from their friends, and some depend on movies for the intimate details of making love.
In the twenty years that I have been an obstetrician and gynecologist, I have met thousands of women of every race, ethnic group, age, and socioeconomic class in America, and I have found that women's experience of sex is universal. We all share the same fears, myths, misconceptions, concerns, hang-ups, desires, needs, joys, and pleasures. Over the years, I have been asked time and time again to recommend a book that answered the basic questions that women have about sex. I studied what was available and found books that promised to teach you how to achieve hot sex, magnificent sex, mind-blowing sex, all-night sex, and incredibly outrageous sex. In my experience, most women would be happy if they got consistently satisfying, "good-enough" sex. A sprinkling of incredibly, outrageous, mind-blowing sex once in a while would be a wonderful bonus.
As women, we spend our lives thinking about and taking care of everyone else. Even when it comes to sex, many women feel that their partner's satisfaction is much more important than their own. Magazines at the checkout counters of every grocery store scream headlines expounding how to drive your man crazy in bed, how to make him beg for more, how to rope him, keep him, get him up, and get him off. Believe me, I agree that making your partner happy is important, but I also think that you need to spend just as much time and effort finding out how to increase the odds that you will be sexually satisfied as well. You must take responsibility for your own pleasure, because sexual satisfaction is your birthright.
Women are under a tremendous pressure to look perfect. When we fall short of society's look-of-the-moment, we don't feel attractive or sexy and have difficulty achieving the level of sexual pleasure that we are entitled to. Sadly many women are blind to the fact that the female body is beautiful. How did we allow "them" to convince us that women's bodies should look like that of a preadolescent boy? In an attempt to achieve a body type that is totally unnatural for most of us, we develop eating disorders, rob our bodies of nutrients, disturb our natural menstrual cycle, decrease our estrogen levels, and increase our levels of unhappiness and discontent. We worry about how we look during sex rather than how we feel. Often when I give a mirror to a woman to look at her sexual anatomy, she expresses displeasure and fails to appreciate the beauty, grace, power, and complexity of her female genitals. How did we allow "them" to convince us that our vaginas smell bad and have no feeling or that our vulvas are ugly or that the clitoris is the size of a small pea? Learning to love your self is the first step to enjoying sex and creating a fulfilling sex life. This book is written to give women the knowledge they need to begin to appreciate the wonders of female anatomy and sexuality. Chapters 1 and 2 take a look at the wondrous and exquisitely beautiful female body.
Ask a hundred women, "What is sex?", and it is likely that the majority will answer "intercourse." Yet many women receive no physical pleasure from intercourse. Expanding the definition of "sex" gives women options and the opportunity to find out what gives them the most pleasure. Chapters 4-12 present different ways that women may choose to express themselves sexually-and increase their sexual satisfaction.
In my practice, it is not unusual to see women who move between relationships with men and women during various life stages. According to the Hite Report, at least 17 percent of women have experienced sex at least once with another woman. Falling in love with a woman can be exhilarating and liberating but may sometimes be met with disapproval from family and others. Every woman, however, has the right to determine how she expresses her sexuality. In Chapters 7 and 9, I have included descriptions of specific sexual techniques that can be used when making love to a woman. And though this book is written primarily for women in opposite-sex relationships, most of the information applies equally to women-loving-women. It is impossible to cover the many dimensions of same-sex relationships and sexuality in this book, so I refer the reader to two excellent books listed in the resources section.
One of the keys to healthy sexuality is a healthy body. Chapters 13-15 discuss strategies for improving your sex life by improving your health and taking control of your body.
Female sexuality is not static; it changes over your lifetime. Pregnancy and menopause can significantly change the way a woman expresses her sexuality. Chapters 16 and 17 discuss how to keep the fires burning through these important life stages. Chapter 18 provides tools you can use to help your daughter grow up sexually healthy as well as happy and secure with her sexuality. We can break the cycle of myths, misconceptions, and untruths about female sexuality.
Satisfying sex can prolong your life and has been shown to decrease your blood pressure, decrease stress, strengthen your heart, and boost your immune system. Yet according to the NHSLS (National Health and Social Life Survey), 43 percent of women have sexual dysfunction. Mainstream medical journals have featured articles expounding the importance of sexual satisfaction in women's health and encouraging doctors to investigate the sexual problems of women. Pharmaceutical companies and researchers are working furiously to find a magic pill that will guarantee sexual ecstasy for every woman. While the attention to women's sexual issues is welcome, it is important that we don't make sex one more disease that needs to be treated. Chapters 19-22 discuss the many reasons that sex may not be great and offer tips to help you improve your sex life.
The keys to great sex are simple: feeling good about yourself, understanding how your body works-and that of your partner, knowledge of basic sexual techniques, willingness to experiment and ask for what you want, and, of course, caring and respect from your partner.
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